The Leadership Skill No One Talks About: Staying in the Pocket
When Leadership Feels Like Music
I’ve been singing on stages since I was five years old—choirs, bands, even bringing out a vintage microphone on special nights. Music taught me something about leadership long before I had language for it. There’s a phrase musicians use when everything locks in: “We’re in the pocket.” It means you know your part. You’re steady. You’re grounded in your rhythm while listening carefully to everyone else. You don’t overpower. You don’t drift. You anchor the groove.
When every player stays in the pocket, the music becomes bigger than any one person. It feels connected. Focused. Unified.
I’ve come to believe leadership works the same way.
Conflict Is Where We Lose the Groove
The pocket usually disappears in moments of tension. A colleague challenges your idea. A team member misses expectations. A conversation shifts tone and suddenly feels personal. In those moments, the urge to defend, correct, or counterattack rises quickly.
That’s where belonging is either strengthened—or fractured.
Somebodiness, at its core, is the experience of feeling valued, seen, and respected. When leaders react impulsively, people begin to question their place. When leaders escalate, dismiss, or personalize conflict, the culture tightens in unhealthy ways. Even small reactions can signal, “You don’t matter here.”
Staying in the pocket means choosing dignity over defensiveness. It means protecting someone’s sense of belonging even while addressing performance, disagreement, or hard truths.
Reaction Is Natural. Discipline Is Leadership.
Most leaders don’t undermine belonging intentionally. They simply default to habit under pressure. We justify. We blame. We explain ourselves too much. We withdraw. These patterns feel automatic because they are learned responses to stress.
But they are still choices.
Staying in the pocket is a discipline. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and a commitment that is bigger than the immediate moment. It means slowing down enough to respond instead of react. It means remembering that how you handle tension teaches your team what kind of culture you are building.
When leaders stay centered, conflict becomes productive instead of personal. Disagreement becomes data instead of drama. Accountability can exist without humiliation. And people are far more likely to engage fully when they know their dignity won’t be sacrificed in the process.
That’s how somebodiness becomes sustainable—not as a slogan, but as a lived experience.
Leadership Sets the Tempo of Belonging
Musicians understand something powerful: everyone in the band is listening. The same is true in organizations. Your team watches how you handle pressure. They take cues from your tone, your posture, your pace. If you escalate, they brace. If you steady yourself, they begin to steady themselves too.
Leadership sets the tempo.
When even one leader commits to staying in the pocket, it creates stability. When multiple leaders do it, it shapes culture. Meetings feel safer. Conversations become clearer. People contribute more freely because they trust the rhythm of the room.
Belonging grows in environments where leaders are consistent. Predictability builds trust. Trust builds participation. Participation strengthens culture.
Staying in the Pocket Builds Somebodiness
Imagine a workplace where conflict doesn’t threaten connection, where accountability doesn’t erase respect, and where pressure doesn’t override humanity. That environment isn’t created by personality alone. It’s created by leaders who have trained themselves to remain grounded when it would be easier to react.
Staying in the pocket protects more than your composure. It protects the experience of belonging for the people around you. It communicates, “You matter here—even when we disagree.”
The next time tension rises, pause long enough to ask a different question. Not “How do I win this?” but “How do I lead this?” Can I hold my rhythm of clarity and dignity? Can I respond in a way that strengthens culture instead of straining it?
Because when you stay in the pocket, the sound changes. The team tightens up. The work moves forward. And the culture begins to reflect what we say we value: that everybody is somebody.